I failed. I shook my head and turned around, I started walking to a direction I did not actually care where-- as long as I can detach myself from the rejoicing people and surrender myself to the reality that again, I fell short. While walking, I saw a place where there was once a store and started remembering some moments that I once had with a friend in that place. Then, I realized, the school where I saw the results posted was my undergraduate school and I was walking in a road I usually traverse when I was in college. I woke up, it was only a dream, today is the judgment day, the results were not out yet. A dream it was but the feeling of failure still remained even when I was awake, as if it was real. I remembered I asked HIM to give me the strength to embrace whatever the results will be, is this in preparation of the things to come?
The day started as usual. As a new father of a 10 month old baby, I wake up with my son beside me and always, he never fails to make me smile. He starts my day and always ends it the right way. Before facing the computer and signing in for work, the regular diaper check up and feeding will first ensue.The feeling remained, it was really as if I already failed. My son was very happy clapping and laughing and screaming on the top of his lungs- a contagious happiness that soon engulfed me.
In front of the computer, I surfed the web of any information on what time the results will be out. In a website, I saw it will be at 4:30 pm. Well, a lot of time still, work as usual. Turned the volume of my speakers up and cued my favorite songs and sang with them while I was working and occasionally reading some stuff about people who are also waiting for the results.
Time flew and its 4:30, the Supreme Court website is already jammed with traffic and it is impossible for anybody to get in. No news yet so I guess no results yet. It was a long wait until they announced in the television that the results will be out at 8:30 PM.
I waited anxiuosly. Finally its out. I am staring at a PDF download of the results. I can't believe that after all the waiting, the time has come. I was clicking download, working with computers everyday, I am adept with using the mouse, but, in this exceptional instance, my accuracy was really very low and clicking on the download was like shooting a matchstick inside a beer bottle. Hit it, the download was really fast, my heartbeat was faster. I have waited for this moment and every move that I will execute was planned and thought about a billion times-- once I have the results, I'll hit CTRL F type my last name, cross my fingers and hit ENTER. That is the plan. Time to execute. Opened the PDF file, I felt numb, hit CTRL F. Typed in my last name, made about 5 typos before finally getting the spelling of my last name right. I was in total black out. I hit enter, the cursor did not move. My senses where heightened, the one thing that I was waiting for was delivering a news that I wish would never receive. I did not bother to hit enter again, maybe the search function is not working with PDF files so I scrolled down to the first letter of my last name. A... B... C... D... J... K... L... I did not see my name... It is suppose to be in between these two names, but it is not there. I closed the document. With no enthusiasm I opened it again just to verify that I indeed failed.
I don't know what to say, or what feeling to entertain. The one that I have waited for a long time was the one I wish will never come. The faces of the people who are dear to me flashed on the back of my mind with the thought that after all their effort and support, I failed them.
I have to move on, if ever there would be one thing that the people who loved me would be proud of me at this moment is to recover from this failure. I have failed them and would be failing them again if I would let this plight destroy the person who they've help become. I broke the news to the ones who were expecting-- received a million taps on the back. Thanks guys! It occurred to me, I failed indeed but in this failure I received the better prize-- realizing that there are many people who'll always be there no matter what.
I have lost the battle, I might as well be a good loser than a sore one, its the least I can do for now. Besides, the war is not over. I'll still be hanging on to my shield and grasping my sword tighter for the next ones to come. As much as possible I try to learn from the mistakes I had. I made a few in this one so in the next I'll be a better warrior, more experienced more skills. Until the next seige!
